That view sucks.


Ah, the beautiful island of Maui. Gorgeous views, awesome weather and kick ass surfing. Not that I surf, but I'm told. Anyway, if you haven't been there you're missing out on something special. Just go. Do it. Now the obvious choice to some would be to stay in Wailea because of the many beautiful luxury hotels along the beach. Not us though, we opted for a Airbnb home in the upcountry and don't regret it for one second. I mean look at that view! But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm not here to take about the beauty of Maui. I'm here to talk about our adventures there.

Let's start at the beginning. We landed in Maui after a 6-hour trip from LA. Taking pictures from the plane, enjoying the friendly TSA people and feeling good. Now, when I was putting the trip together I decided that I was gonna save a few dollars and go with one of those not so well known car rental companies. You know the ones I'm talking about. Maybe you get a car with soaking wet carpets. Maybe it's missing a door handle and the a/c only blows cold on the high setting. Or maybe when you hit the brakes they sound like a three-wattled bellbird. No matter. We were in vacation mode with a grin on our faces and a skip in our step and a song in our hearts. After a brief inspection of our beautiful accommodations we were off to the store or what I like to call the Great Grocery Adventure That Went Askew.

Whole foods was our destination since its typically known to have healthier options and I like to think of myself as a fit and healthy person. Minus the occasional whiskey, craft beer or super rare cigar. Upon entering the store I realized that I was glad that I was pre approved for my Amex card because boy I was gonna need it here. $5 dollars a pound for apples!? Do those come with a private show involving a native Hawaiian hula dancer and my favorite bottle of Jergens? Yeah, I didn't think so either. I reconciled by reminding myself that I was on vacation and I should have a grin on my face, a song in my heart and a skip in my step.

So there we are out the door with a handful of groceries and $200 lighter, no big deal. There we are outside in Maui, the scenery is beautiful, life is good and the cool evening breeze feels amazing. I'm on vacation people! On the way to the car I notice a rather large waterbug just walking along. No big deal. I was born and raised in NYC and the indigenous water bug is basically a second cousins cousin to me. I place the groceries in the trunk of the Mustang. There we are feeling good and talking about nonsense. I approach and open the driver's side door and notice a cockroach on the seat. Well how do you like that. Another one of my distant relatives has came across the sea to visit me on the island of Maui. No big deal we have a spare bedroom at the house so what the hell. We get in and instantly I feel like something is amiss. Call it intuition. I try to turn the dome light on. Doesn't work. Big surprise there. Struggle to get the phone out of my pocket to use the light. Turn it on and guess what we see? Hmm, anyone? A infestation of bugs! Holy shit people! I don't have this kind of room at the house for so many uninvited relatives. So there we are diving out of the car, feeling slightly violated and shouting obscenities. That's when I realize. The food! We run around to the trunk and realize the keys are still in the car. Fuck. Conversation time, Ron: "You get it. Ross: No you get it." Someone gets the key, we open the trunk and grab the groceries. Luckily for us there are no bugs in there. I guess they prefer their food from less healthy stores.

It's 8pm on the island of Maui. We are slightly pissed but in truth not surprised. Call the rent a wreck place looking for someone to strangle. The place is closed but the voice mail provides a emergency number. Great, thrilled. I call and get on the phone and find myself speaking with a nitwit about our problem.

Conversation time, Rep: "So no big deal. Drop the car off in the morning and I'll will give you another. Me: "How about you stop smoking that sugar cane and come get this filthy piece of s@#$."

Well, an argument ensues and we wind up leaving the car in the parking lot. We put the keys inside the car, lock it and agree to never return. Fast forward two hours later with us in our brand new enterprise car. Driving up to the house and looking forward to a large cold alcoholic beverage and relaxation. I would really like to tell you that's what really happened but nope, nope. We get to the door. I ask Ross for the keys and guess what? We don't have them. When first we arrived Ross grabbed the house keys and put them on the car key ring. Back down the mountain we go. The trip is 30 minutes before we get to the bug-infested machine we vowed earlier to never return to. If you've been following the story the whole time you would have remembered that we locked the keys inside the vehicle. But not us, noooooo.

Standing outside the car feeling less enthused then we did this morning. Ross has an epiphany, Ross: "I have AAA!" Ron: "Oh, isn't that just capital." We call and they arrive quickly. Now it's time for Ross to show his membership number. Hahahaha, he doesn't have his card on him and now his phone where he had a picture of it is dead. I can't make this stuff up people. Beg and plead with the AAA guy but there is nothing he can do. All of a sudden a light shines down from the heavens or where ever and Ross's phone turns on and he sends the picture of his membership to me and instantly after that the phone dies. The AAA guys breaks into the car and we are finally off to start our vacation.

Stay tuned for part 2 in this series as I try to get the song in my heart, grin on my face and the skip in my step back.

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